Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
