Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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