Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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