Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We need to get me chipped asap
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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