loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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