I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
