Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
