now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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