I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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