Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
