maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
