Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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