We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
