I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
