i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
