Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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