Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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