I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
