She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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