enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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