Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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