My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
