No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
