where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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