Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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