i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
