I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
