I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
