My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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