Just cropdusted the office
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
