On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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