I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
