he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
