I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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