Umm I'm too high to move.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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