I wish they made helmets for livers.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think a kid would responsible me up
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
