I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
