Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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