Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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