Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
