It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
