I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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