Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
