I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
