I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
