ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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