I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
