You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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