I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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