I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
